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What Can We Believe In?
HOWARD
THURMAN
W h e n I was a b o u t nine years old, I was p l a y i n g softball o n e day w i t h boys m y o w n a g e i n t h e l o w e r p a r t o f the p u b l i c s c h o o l p l a y g r o u n d . I n t h e r e g u l a r p l a y i n g field the b i g b o y s w e r e p l a y i n g w h a t we c a l l e d " h a r d " ball. I s a i d to o n e o f m y c h u m s , " I ' l l bet y o u a c a r t w h e e l [a l a r g e g i n g e r c o o k i e t h a t s o l d f o r o n e c e n t e a c h o r six f o r a n i c k e l ] t h a t w h e n W i l l i e c o m e s to b a t h e w i l l let m e b a t i n h i s p l a c e . " W i l l i e w a s o n e o f the b i g b o y s w h o h a d a c r u s h o n m y sister. W e s t o p p e d p l a y i n g a n d r a n o v e r to t h e p l a c e w h e r e t h e b i g b o y s w e r e seated. I s a i d to W i l l i e , " W h e n y o u r t u r n c o m e s t o b a t , let m e t a k e y o u r place." "Sure, Howard." T h e t i m e c a m e a n d I s t o o d i n t h e b a t t e r ' s b o x , t r y i n g to h o l d the b a t t h a t w a s t o o h e a v y , a n d f r i g h t e n e d w i t h i n a n i n c h of m y life. T h e p i t c h e r THE REV. HOWARDTHURMAN, D.D., is Dean Emeritus of Marsh Chapel, Boston University, and Minister Emeritus of the Church for the Fellowship of All Peoples, San Francisco. Among his books are Jesus and the Disinherited, Deep River, Meditations of the Heart, and to be published this spring, ~/ Path to the Water's Edge: The Olive Schreiner Reader. Dr. Thurman has held special lectureships at many universities and other institutions in the United States and Canada. He is chairman of the Howard Thurman Educational Trust. This is the sixth paper in the series on What Can We Believe In?
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threw the ball to me as hard as he threw to the b i g boys. H e d i d n o t question m y right to be at the bat despite the fact that I was not a b i g boy; he dealt w i t h me o n the basis of my o w n self-estimate. It made an impression that has followed me all t h r o u g h the years. It confirmed m y faith in myself so p r o f o u n d l y that m a n y times since, w h e n a sagging self-estimate has threatened, I have r e m e m b e r e d that the b i g b o y threw the ball to me, a little boy, as hard as he threw to the b i g boys. It is m y j u d g m e n t that the e m o t i o n a l l y healthy person is o n e w h o is able to m a i n t a i n a d y n a m i c tension b e t w e e n his self-image a n d his selffact. N o more crucial d e m a n d is m a d e u p o n the h u m a n spirit than to arrive at w h a t is one's a u t h e n t i c self-image. T h e self-image is garnered o u t of a series of images of oneself that are the projections of parents, teachers, other prestigious adults, a n d from the e n v i r o n m e n t generally. For a minority child b r o u g h t u p in American society, this is a particularly hazardous undertaking. In the first place, the parents project u p o n the child a dual image, c o m i n g from them to h i m as the object of their l o v e m p a r e n t c h i l d - - a n d their o w n self-image reflected from their environment. T h e child does not k n o w initially the difference b e t w e e n these early projections, w h i c h are the raw materials o u t of w h i c h he begins to f a s h i o n his self-image. If there is n o awareness of this process, such a child g r o w s up, h a v i n g cast as his self-image this c u r i o u s m i x t u r e of love a n d hate, growing o u t of w h a t is projected u p o n h i m by his parents, w h o regard h i m with love a n d hate. T h e r e is n o m o r e difficult a s s i g n m e n t for the h u m a n spirit than to establish one's o w n b e a c h h e a d from w h i c h o n e moves o u t into the g r a n d realm of intentional living. T h i s is the greatest anxiety that parents have for their children. W h e n o u r two daughters were very y o u n g , I took them o n a train trip to Florida to visit m y m o t h e r a n d to e x p l o r e w i t h t h e m the h a u n t s of m y childhood. I s h o w e d them w h a t were at o n e time m y favorite fishing spots d o w n o n the river, a n d as we w a l k e d back, c o m i n g t h r o u g h a m a i n section of w h a t we called " d o w n t o w n , " we reached a p l a y g r o u n d of a p u b l i c school. It was " d o w n t o w n " a n d therefore a white p u b l i c school. As soon as the children saw the swings, they said, "Let's go o n the
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swings." I heard m y s e l f saying to them, " Y o u c a n n o t s w i n g over there. W h e n we get h o m e a n d are resting a n d d r i n k i n g cool lemonade, I will tell you w h y . " As soon as we were h o m e , they said, " N o w , Daddy, tell us." A n d this is what I told them: "It takes the state legislature of Florida, the laws of the state, all the judges, all the policemen, the m a j o r i t y of the churches a n d their ministers, the m a j o r i t y of the teachers in all the schools, p l u s the majority of all the p e o p l e in the state of Florida to keep two little girls from s w i n g i n g in those swings. T h a t is h o w significant y o u are. T h e estimate that o n e m a y have of oneself m a y often be measured by the k i n d of w e a p o n s that m u s t be used by others to control y o u r life. So I w a n t y o u to r e m e m b e r that y o u are so i m p o r t a n t a n d so p o w e r f u l as two little black girls that it takes all of that p o w e r to keep y o u o u t of two small swings in a p l a y g r o u n d in d o w n t o w n D a y t o n a Beach." T h e n I told them a story from the Bible. " O n c e u p o n a time w h e n people were m u c h w i s e r than they are now, two nations, the Philistines a n d the Judaites, decided that they w o u l d ask t w o m e n to represent t h e m in battle, while the rest of the soldiers became c o r r e s p o n d i n g cheering galleries. T h e two m e n chosen were David a n d Goliath; the former represented the Judaites, the latter the Philistines. T h e y a p p e a r e d before each other. G o l i a t h was dressed in a r m o r w i t h his short s w o r d a n d his l o n g sword. David was dressed in a shirt a n d sandals; he was just a lad. W h e n G o l i a t h looked at David a n d observed from his dress a n d his slingshot that this was his estimate of him, he h a d a stroke. A n d w h e n he fell, all David had to do was sever his head from his b o d y . " T h e estimate that a person has of y o u is m e a s u r e d by the k i n d of w e a p o n he feels he m u s t use in order to destroy y o u or control you. T h i s becomes an i m p o r t a n t clue to the g r o u n d s of y o u r o w n self-estimate. It is not the only clue, b u t it is a crucial one. I have learned that I m u s t keep m y o w n self-estimate n o u r i s h e d by the raw materials of the realities of m y experience. If I separate m y self-estimate from this k i n d of reality, then I cut myself off from the resources that are available to m e as a person.
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My first affirmation, then, is that not only can I believe in myself, but I must believe in myself. T h e second observation is that I believe that the contradictions of life are never quite final, certainly not ultimate. Always we are involved in experiences that come through to us as good or bad, right or wrong, for or against. It is comparatively easy to be d e l u d e d into thinking that these contrasts or contradictions are in themselves final and ultimately determinative. There is something temporarily reassuring in being caught and held by a dualism. One can understand the appeal of an interpretation of life that divides life ultimately between darkness a n d light, so long as there is this kind of built-in stalemate. T h e individual bypasses any sense of final responsibility for his own actions. T h e choice is simple. If one is convinced that t h e dualisms of life--what I am calling the contradictions--run out, exhaust themselves, then they may be used as rawmaterial choices for fashioning the kind of life that one desires to live. Particularly is the position significant when one is dealing with impossible situations. A m a n does not have to be overcome by evil. Perhaps the only way he is overcome by evil is by transposing the evil that is external to him from the outside to the inside. I think this is what the Psalmist means when he says, "I fear no evil, for T h o u art with me. T h y rod and T h y staff they comfort me." It is important to make a further c o m m e n t about the reality of evil. As long as I can remember, I have accepted the fact of evil in h u m a n life. Any attitude that fails to recognize the significance of evil seems to me to be unrealistic. I regard evil as positive and destructive as over against that which is positive and creative. It manifests itself in terms of pain, suffering, and varying degrees of frustration. Evil cannot be ignored; it must be recognized as part of one's reality. How to keep it from destroying all meaning in h u m a n life is the critical issue. Always it has to be recognized for what it is, and the simplest way to do that is to call the evil thing by its real name. In other words, it has to be faced directly, head-on, and dealt with as part of the living stuff of living experience.
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It is part of my heritage that the punitive aspect of evil must be acknowledged. I suppose this concerns the over-all psychology of reward and punishment, reaping and sowing. When I was a boy of about eleven years, I broke two of the bones in my right arm. This created a moral crisis for me, because it happened in the s u m m e r t i m e when all of life was lived out of doors in the woods and on the river, fishing. A right arm in a sling was a catastrophic handicap. Why couldn't it have happened in the wintertime while school was going on? In the early days of recovery, I spent m u c h time trying to decide what I had done that was worthy of such drastic punishment. I remember talking about this with my grandmother. Her simple comment was, "You broke your arm because you fell o n it." I recognize that there is apt to be in all suffering an element that is retributive, but this does not satisfy the demand that the experience of suffering makes upon the mind. There seems to me to be what may be called a random, impersonal element in life that results in suffering. What I am getting at is that there is in my experience a kind of suffering (thinking of suffering and evil as synonymous) that is experienced because one is present where one is at a given time or moment. T h e word "accident" does not quite convey my meaning. There is no more critical issue involved here than the individual's encounter with the impersonal aspects of either the world of nature or society, that kind of experience that by the greatest stretch of the m i n d or imagination cannot seem to make any sense. There comes to mind the reaction of Jesus when he was told of the Galilaeans whose blood Pilate had mingled with their sacrifices. Jesus answered, "Suppose ye that these Galilaeans were sinners above all the Galilaeans because they suffered such things?" Again, w h e n the question was raised about the people on w h o m the T o w e r of Siloam fell, he said, in essence, that the tower fell on them because they were under it, not because they were good or bad, worthy or unworthy. Therefore, I recognize that evil has to be faced in terms of both reaping and sowing and what is gratuitiously referred to in contracts and bills of lading as "acts of God." I arrive inescapably at the conclusion that evil, however viewed, is part of the givenness of experience, or the h u m a n con-
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dition. Given this fact, the p r o b l e m for m e has always been, W h a t d o I do with it? (It is clear that suffering a n d evil are s y n o n y m o u s in m y experience a n d thought.) I can grit m y teeth a n d endure. T h e r e is a certain elem e n t of character in b e i n g able to absorb the violence of suffering. T h i s is often e q u a t e d w i t h w h a t it m e a n s to be a man, or, o n e m i g h t say, to be a w o m a n . I do not regard this, however, as the most creative w a y to deal w i t h suffering. I have learned to search out, g o i n g as clearly as I can to the depth of m y pain, trying to find w h a t the p a i n reveals to me a b o u t myself, h o w it defines for me m y fears, m y anxieties, m y insecurities, m y weaknesses. Sometimes I have w a t c h e d with a n attention like the stillness of absolute m o t i o n the revelation of some part of m y character of w h i c h I was n o t aware until the b l o w fell. Once I have seen it, s o m e t h i n g n e w is added that becomes part of m y m e a n i n g for the m o n t h s or the years that follow. Again, I have tried to learn from the experience s o m e t h i n g that will be helpful in the next fearful encounter. T h e extent to w h i c h m y suffering has made me wiser a b o u t myself is often very clear. S o m e t i m e s I think the total effect u p o n me has been a m e l l o w i n g of spirit, giving to the relations w i t h m y fellows a ripe c o m p a s s i o n a n d a feeling of tenderness in m y u n d e r s t a n d i n g of them. T h i s is n o t easy, because it is always necessary to overcome the k i n d of bitterness against life, as if the p a i n or suffering inflicted u p o n me is deliberate, intentional, a n d therefore demonic. It seems that the role of the d e m o n i c in life is to upset all balances. Here I a m t h i n k i n g of w h a t appears to be a characteristic of l i f e - - a built-in quality. Whenever life seems to be in a n y sense c o m p l e t e or r o u n d e d out, there is a m o v e m e n t that upsets a n d upends. A n o t h e r w a y of saying this is: Life itself seems to be against a n y t h i n g that has arrived, that has established e q u i l i b r i u m or even maturity. Life seems always to be o n the side of that w h i c h is trying to arrive at balance, e q u i l i b r i u m , maturity. P e r h a p s this is o n e of the reasons w h y so m a n y of the c h u r c h fathers regarded pride as the chief of sins. All of this adds u p to the simple assertion that I believe in life. Of course, I do n o t k n o w w h a t life is; I k n o w o n l y that it is the most vital experience of m y spirit. W h e n I reflect u p o n the basis of m y belief in life, I
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come u p o n a very simple fact, namely, that the m o s t d o m i n a n t characteristic of life is its aliveness. Always I a m c h a l l e n g e d by the fact that life is alive. I a m n o t sure that m y m i n d can c o m p r e h e n d w h a t this means. It is the aliveness of life that accounts for m y experience of growth, of change, of development. T h i s is difficult to verbalize. It is as if I a m a vehicle t h r o u g h w h i c h life seems always to be realizing itself, c o m i n g to itself. I cannot ever contain w i t h i n myself all that life is, any m o r e than any event or experience of m y life can c o n t a i n w h a t I am. It is m y belief i n life that is the g r o u n d of my o p t i m i s m . Always there seems to be s o m e t h i n g m o r e to be experienced, to be felt, to k n o w . M y m i n d rejects any c o n c l u s i o n as being final. T h e greatest source of hope, therefore, for b o t h the p r e s e n t a n d the future, is the awareness of potential in me, in other people, in life itself. T h i s attitude is very hazardous, because it seems to suggest that it isn't i m p o r t a n t to try to do a n y t h i n g a b o u t anything, that the process is all. I do n o t m e a n to suggest that I believe h u m a n choice is n o t possible. W i t h i n the context of m y affirmation of life, a m p l e p r o v i s i o n is m a d e for h u m a n freedom. Freedom is n o t possible if life is fixed, predetermined, static. Basic to the idea of the aliveness of life is the n o t i o n that life is dynamic. Either it is possible to alter conditions, or it is impossible. If life is fixed, static, determined, then there is n o t h i n g that can be d o n e a b o u t anything. H u m a n choice in such a context is delusion. W h a t I a m saying is that life, because it is alive, is dynamic, open-ended, a n d h u m a n choice is part of reality. For I believe that there is always s o m e t h i n g that can be d o n e a b o u t a n y t h i n g . W h a t can be d o n e m a y n o t alter the situation, b u t the individual m a y relate to unalterable situations w i t h i n the context of his o w n choosing. In other words, I a m saying that a m a n need n o t ever be c o m p l e t e l y a n d utterly a victim of his circumstances despite the fact, to be repetitive, that he m a y n o t be able to c h a n g e the circumstance. T h e clue is in the fact that a m a n can give his assent to his circumstances or he can w i t h h o l d it, a n d there are a desert a n d a sea between the two. Therefore, I believe in h u m a n freedom. W h a t is h u m a n freedom? It is twofold. O n the one hand, it is the ability to act in the present so as to
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influence, if n o t determine, the future. It is very sobering to realize that in rather crucial ways a m a n paves the h i g h w a y clown w h i c h he m u s t w a l k in the years ahead; for h u m a n choice at a n y given m o m e n t becomes a critical d e t e r m i n a n t of w h a t will be one's s i t u a t i o n in the future. A m a n need n o t ever be the prisoner of the event. A n o t h e r w a y of saying this is: I a m w h a t I am today by s t a n d i n g o n the shoulders of a n infinite series of yesterdays. But there is still a n o t h e r more searching i n t i m a c y in the m e a n i n g of freedom as I have discovered it. In a n y given s i t u a t i o n faced by the individual, he m a y exercise a sense of alternative. Often in m y life I have confused a sense of alternative w i t h the realization of the a l t e m a t i v e - - a sense of o p t i o n with the o p t i n g of the option. W h e n I said earlier that there is always s o m e t h i n g that c a n b e d o n e a b o u t a n y t h i n g , this, in part, is w h a t I h a d in mind. As l o n g as a m a n keeps alive i n himself a sense of alternative, he need not s u c c u m b to the pressure of the event. T h i s q u a l i t y a n d potential in h u m a n life are the nemesis of all tyrannies. I return to m y earlier statement: I believe in myself. T h i s is g r o u n d e d in m y belief in life, W h a t I affirm for myself I affirm for other men. My relationship, then, w i t h other m e n m u s t be built u p o n this m u t u a l s h a r i n g of worth. T h e d o m i n a n t characteristic of the r e l a t i o n s h i p m a y be summarized in the term "love." I affirm love n o t as a s e n t i m e n t merely or an emotion, but as the truest a n d most dependable tie that binds me to m y fellows a n d t h e m to me. I have discovered that where love is operative between me a n d a n o t h e r h u m a n being, I will do for or in r e l a t i o n to h i m w h a t n o power in heaven, hell, or on earth can m a k e me do if I do n o t love. T o p u t m y m e a n i n g in the simplest terms: to love myself is to h o n o r s o m e t h i n g in me. that is b e y o n d a n y feeling that I m a y have of m y w o r t h or worthlessness. It has to do w i t h m y being, rather t h a n a n y k i n d of action that m a y be characteristic of me. W h e n I a m conscious of b e i n g loved, it means that it seems to me that the person w h o loves me is addressing that w h i c h is in me, beyond a n y feeling or r e c o g n i t i o n of merit or demerit. T o state it more cogently is to say that the experience of love is to have m y o w n sense of self confirmed a n d affirmed by a n o t h e r h u m a n being. T h i s is w h a t h a p p e n s to me w h e n I love s o m e o n e else. H a t e is a denial of the
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integrity of this kind of relatedness. W i t h such confirmation of myself, there is n o t h i n g in life that c a n n o t be endured, because the most threatening aspect of life, n a m e l y isolation, is absorbed. O n c e confirmed, I a m never q u i t e myself only, an isolate. I believe in the reality of religious experience. T h e g r o u n d of m y experience is n o t to be f o u n d in a n y a r g u m e n t derived from the observation and c o n t e m p l a t i o n of nature, or from the participation, as such, in religious exercises or ceremonies, i m p o r t a n t as these m a y be; b u t rather it is f o u n d in m y awareness of total well b e i n g held in place by a sure sense of Presence. T o me this is the very essence of creative spiritual encounter. T h i s is the very heart of prayer. In this I believe. By prayer I do n o t m e a n petition, p l e a d i n g or i n v o k i n g a P o w e r that will alter events or circumstances in m y behalf. Such represent the natural cry of the h u m a n spirit as it is c a u g h t in the a g o n i z i n g g r a p p l e of u n y i e l d i n g circumstance. No. I d o not m e a n a n y of this, n o t w i t h s t a n d i n g the r e c o g n i t i o n of the part that such activity plays in prayer. W h a t I m e a n here is that the highest m o m e n t of reality of w h i c h I a m c a p a b l e is for me manifest when, in the s u p r e m e act of w o r s h i p f u l celebration, I feel myself to be in the presence of God, stripped to the literal substance of m y being. Here the deepest t h i n g in me seems to be r e s p o n d i n g actively to the deepest t h i n g in existence. It is here, at such a m o m e n t , that it becomes clear to m e w h a t it is that u l t i m a t e l y I a m o u n t to. I a m confirmed a n d gathered w i t h i n myself b e y o n d all merit and demerit. I a m n o longer an isolate, a l o n e i n the vastness of the universe or the c h u r n i n g activity of the w o r l d of men, affairs, a n d things. W h a t I experience n o w I a m c o m m i t t e d to seek in the widest or m o s t intimate ranges of my experience. T h i s becomes the u l t i m a t e i m m u n i t y against the deepest fears that I m a y have of life, of events, of persons, or of death itself.
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What Can We Believe In?
HOWARD
THURMAN
W h e n I was a b o u t nine years old, I was p l a y i n g softball o n e day w i t h boys m y o w n a g e i n t h e l o w e r p a r t o f the p u b l i c s c h o o l p l a y g r o u n d . I n t h e r e g u l a r p l a y i n g field the b i g b o y s w e r e p l a y i n g w h a t we c a l l e d " h a r d " ball. I s a i d to o n e o f m y c h u m s , " I ' l l bet y o u a c a r t w h e e l [a l a r g e g i n g e r c o o k i e t h a t s o l d f o r o n e c e n t e a c h o r six f o r a n i c k e l ] t h a t w h e n W i l l i e c o m e s to b a t h e w i l l let m e b a t i n h i s p l a c e . " W i l l i e w a s o n e o f the b i g b o y s w h o h a d a c r u s h o n m y sister. W e s t o p p e d p l a y i n g a n d r a n o v e r to t h e p l a c e w h e r e t h e b i g b o y s w e r e seated. I s a i d to W i l l i e , " W h e n y o u r t u r n c o m e s t o b a t , let m e t a k e y o u r place." "Sure, Howard." T h e t i m e c a m e a n d I s t o o d i n t h e b a t t e r ' s b o x , t r y i n g to h o l d the b a t t h a t w a s t o o h e a v y , a n d f r i g h t e n e d w i t h i n a n i n c h of m y life. T h e p i t c h e r THE REV. HOWARDTHURMAN, D.D., is Dean Emeritus of Marsh Chapel, Boston University, and Minister Emeritus of the Church for the Fellowship of All Peoples, San Francisco. Among his books are Jesus and the Disinherited, Deep River, Meditations of the Heart, and to be published this spring, ~/ Path to the Water's Edge: The Olive Schreiner Reader. Dr. Thurman has held special lectureships at many universities and other institutions in the United States and Canada. He is chairman of the Howard Thurman Educational Trust. This is the sixth paper in the series on What Can We Believe In?
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threw the ball to me as hard as he threw to the b i g boys. H e d i d n o t question m y right to be at the bat despite the fact that I was not a b i g boy; he dealt w i t h me o n the basis of my o w n self-estimate. It made an impression that has followed me all t h r o u g h the years. It confirmed m y faith in myself so p r o f o u n d l y that m a n y times since, w h e n a sagging self-estimate has threatened, I have r e m e m b e r e d that the b i g b o y threw the ball to me, a little boy, as hard as he threw to the b i g boys. It is m y j u d g m e n t that the e m o t i o n a l l y healthy person is o n e w h o is able to m a i n t a i n a d y n a m i c tension b e t w e e n his self-image a n d his selffact. N o more crucial d e m a n d is m a d e u p o n the h u m a n spirit than to arrive at w h a t is one's a u t h e n t i c self-image. T h e self-image is garnered o u t of a series of images of oneself that are the projections of parents, teachers, other prestigious adults, a n d from the e n v i r o n m e n t generally. For a minority child b r o u g h t u p in American society, this is a particularly hazardous undertaking. In the first place, the parents project u p o n the child a dual image, c o m i n g from them to h i m as the object of their l o v e m p a r e n t c h i l d - - a n d their o w n self-image reflected from their environment. T h e child does not k n o w initially the difference b e t w e e n these early projections, w h i c h are the raw materials o u t of w h i c h he begins to f a s h i o n his self-image. If there is n o awareness of this process, such a child g r o w s up, h a v i n g cast as his self-image this c u r i o u s m i x t u r e of love a n d hate, growing o u t of w h a t is projected u p o n h i m by his parents, w h o regard h i m with love a n d hate. T h e r e is n o m o r e difficult a s s i g n m e n t for the h u m a n spirit than to establish one's o w n b e a c h h e a d from w h i c h o n e moves o u t into the g r a n d realm of intentional living. T h i s is the greatest anxiety that parents have for their children. W h e n o u r two daughters were very y o u n g , I took them o n a train trip to Florida to visit m y m o t h e r a n d to e x p l o r e w i t h t h e m the h a u n t s of m y childhood. I s h o w e d them w h a t were at o n e time m y favorite fishing spots d o w n o n the river, a n d as we w a l k e d back, c o m i n g t h r o u g h a m a i n section of w h a t we called " d o w n t o w n , " we reached a p l a y g r o u n d of a p u b l i c school. It was " d o w n t o w n " a n d therefore a white p u b l i c school. As soon as the children saw the swings, they said, "Let's go o n the
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swings." I heard m y s e l f saying to them, " Y o u c a n n o t s w i n g over there. W h e n we get h o m e a n d are resting a n d d r i n k i n g cool lemonade, I will tell you w h y . " As soon as we were h o m e , they said, " N o w , Daddy, tell us." A n d this is what I told them: "It takes the state legislature of Florida, the laws of the state, all the judges, all the policemen, the m a j o r i t y of the churches a n d their ministers, the m a j o r i t y of the teachers in all the schools, p l u s the majority of all the p e o p l e in the state of Florida to keep two little girls from s w i n g i n g in those swings. T h a t is h o w significant y o u are. T h e estimate that o n e m a y have of oneself m a y often be measured by the k i n d of w e a p o n s that m u s t be used by others to control y o u r life. So I w a n t y o u to r e m e m b e r that y o u are so i m p o r t a n t a n d so p o w e r f u l as two little black girls that it takes all of that p o w e r to keep y o u o u t of two small swings in a p l a y g r o u n d in d o w n t o w n D a y t o n a Beach." T h e n I told them a story from the Bible. " O n c e u p o n a time w h e n people were m u c h w i s e r than they are now, two nations, the Philistines a n d the Judaites, decided that they w o u l d ask t w o m e n to represent t h e m in battle, while the rest of the soldiers became c o r r e s p o n d i n g cheering galleries. T h e two m e n chosen were David a n d Goliath; the former represented the Judaites, the latter the Philistines. T h e y a p p e a r e d before each other. G o l i a t h was dressed in a r m o r w i t h his short s w o r d a n d his l o n g sword. David was dressed in a shirt a n d sandals; he was just a lad. W h e n G o l i a t h looked at David a n d observed from his dress a n d his slingshot that this was his estimate of him, he h a d a stroke. A n d w h e n he fell, all David had to do was sever his head from his b o d y . " T h e estimate that a person has of y o u is m e a s u r e d by the k i n d of w e a p o n he feels he m u s t use in order to destroy y o u or control you. T h i s becomes an i m p o r t a n t clue to the g r o u n d s of y o u r o w n self-estimate. It is not the only clue, b u t it is a crucial one. I have learned that I m u s t keep m y o w n self-estimate n o u r i s h e d by the raw materials of the realities of m y experience. If I separate m y self-estimate from this k i n d of reality, then I cut myself off from the resources that are available to m e as a person.
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My first affirmation, then, is that not only can I believe in myself, but I must believe in myself. T h e second observation is that I believe that the contradictions of life are never quite final, certainly not ultimate. Always we are involved in experiences that come through to us as good or bad, right or wrong, for or against. It is comparatively easy to be d e l u d e d into thinking that these contrasts or contradictions are in themselves final and ultimately determinative. There is something temporarily reassuring in being caught and held by a dualism. One can understand the appeal of an interpretation of life that divides life ultimately between darkness a n d light, so long as there is this kind of built-in stalemate. T h e individual bypasses any sense of final responsibility for his own actions. T h e choice is simple. If one is convinced that t h e dualisms of life--what I am calling the contradictions--run out, exhaust themselves, then they may be used as rawmaterial choices for fashioning the kind of life that one desires to live. Particularly is the position significant when one is dealing with impossible situations. A m a n does not have to be overcome by evil. Perhaps the only way he is overcome by evil is by transposing the evil that is external to him from the outside to the inside. I think this is what the Psalmist means when he says, "I fear no evil, for T h o u art with me. T h y rod and T h y staff they comfort me." It is important to make a further c o m m e n t about the reality of evil. As long as I can remember, I have accepted the fact of evil in h u m a n life. Any attitude that fails to recognize the significance of evil seems to me to be unrealistic. I regard evil as positive and destructive as over against that which is positive and creative. It manifests itself in terms of pain, suffering, and varying degrees of frustration. Evil cannot be ignored; it must be recognized as part of one's reality. How to keep it from destroying all meaning in h u m a n life is the critical issue. Always it has to be recognized for what it is, and the simplest way to do that is to call the evil thing by its real name. In other words, it has to be faced directly, head-on, and dealt with as part of the living stuff of living experience.
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It is part of my heritage that the punitive aspect of evil must be acknowledged. I suppose this concerns the over-all psychology of reward and punishment, reaping and sowing. When I was a boy of about eleven years, I broke two of the bones in my right arm. This created a moral crisis for me, because it happened in the s u m m e r t i m e when all of life was lived out of doors in the woods and on the river, fishing. A right arm in a sling was a catastrophic handicap. Why couldn't it have happened in the wintertime while school was going on? In the early days of recovery, I spent m u c h time trying to decide what I had done that was worthy of such drastic punishment. I remember talking about this with my grandmother. Her simple comment was, "You broke your arm because you fell o n it." I recognize that there is apt to be in all suffering an element that is retributive, but this does not satisfy the demand that the experience of suffering makes upon the mind. There seems to me to be what may be called a random, impersonal element in life that results in suffering. What I am getting at is that there is in my experience a kind of suffering (thinking of suffering and evil as synonymous) that is experienced because one is present where one is at a given time or moment. T h e word "accident" does not quite convey my meaning. There is no more critical issue involved here than the individual's encounter with the impersonal aspects of either the world of nature or society, that kind of experience that by the greatest stretch of the m i n d or imagination cannot seem to make any sense. There comes to mind the reaction of Jesus when he was told of the Galilaeans whose blood Pilate had mingled with their sacrifices. Jesus answered, "Suppose ye that these Galilaeans were sinners above all the Galilaeans because they suffered such things?" Again, w h e n the question was raised about the people on w h o m the T o w e r of Siloam fell, he said, in essence, that the tower fell on them because they were under it, not because they were good or bad, worthy or unworthy. Therefore, I recognize that evil has to be faced in terms of both reaping and sowing and what is gratuitiously referred to in contracts and bills of lading as "acts of God." I arrive inescapably at the conclusion that evil, however viewed, is part of the givenness of experience, or the h u m a n con-
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dition. Given this fact, the p r o b l e m for m e has always been, W h a t d o I do with it? (It is clear that suffering a n d evil are s y n o n y m o u s in m y experience a n d thought.) I can grit m y teeth a n d endure. T h e r e is a certain elem e n t of character in b e i n g able to absorb the violence of suffering. T h i s is often e q u a t e d w i t h w h a t it m e a n s to be a man, or, o n e m i g h t say, to be a w o m a n . I do not regard this, however, as the most creative w a y to deal w i t h suffering. I have learned to search out, g o i n g as clearly as I can to the depth of m y pain, trying to find w h a t the p a i n reveals to me a b o u t myself, h o w it defines for me m y fears, m y anxieties, m y insecurities, m y weaknesses. Sometimes I have w a t c h e d with a n attention like the stillness of absolute m o t i o n the revelation of some part of m y character of w h i c h I was n o t aware until the b l o w fell. Once I have seen it, s o m e t h i n g n e w is added that becomes part of m y m e a n i n g for the m o n t h s or the years that follow. Again, I have tried to learn from the experience s o m e t h i n g that will be helpful in the next fearful encounter. T h e extent to w h i c h m y suffering has made me wiser a b o u t myself is often very clear. S o m e t i m e s I think the total effect u p o n me has been a m e l l o w i n g of spirit, giving to the relations w i t h m y fellows a ripe c o m p a s s i o n a n d a feeling of tenderness in m y u n d e r s t a n d i n g of them. T h i s is n o t easy, because it is always necessary to overcome the k i n d of bitterness against life, as if the p a i n or suffering inflicted u p o n me is deliberate, intentional, a n d therefore demonic. It seems that the role of the d e m o n i c in life is to upset all balances. Here I a m t h i n k i n g of w h a t appears to be a characteristic of l i f e - - a built-in quality. Whenever life seems to be in a n y sense c o m p l e t e or r o u n d e d out, there is a m o v e m e n t that upsets a n d upends. A n o t h e r w a y of saying this is: Life itself seems to be against a n y t h i n g that has arrived, that has established e q u i l i b r i u m or even maturity. Life seems always to be o n the side of that w h i c h is trying to arrive at balance, e q u i l i b r i u m , maturity. P e r h a p s this is o n e of the reasons w h y so m a n y of the c h u r c h fathers regarded pride as the chief of sins. All of this adds u p to the simple assertion that I believe in life. Of course, I do n o t k n o w w h a t life is; I k n o w o n l y that it is the most vital experience of m y spirit. W h e n I reflect u p o n the basis of m y belief in life, I
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come u p o n a very simple fact, namely, that the m o s t d o m i n a n t characteristic of life is its aliveness. Always I a m c h a l l e n g e d by the fact that life is alive. I a m n o t sure that m y m i n d can c o m p r e h e n d w h a t this means. It is the aliveness of life that accounts for m y experience of growth, of change, of development. T h i s is difficult to verbalize. It is as if I a m a vehicle t h r o u g h w h i c h life seems always to be realizing itself, c o m i n g to itself. I cannot ever contain w i t h i n myself all that life is, any m o r e than any event or experience of m y life can c o n t a i n w h a t I am. It is m y belief i n life that is the g r o u n d of my o p t i m i s m . Always there seems to be s o m e t h i n g m o r e to be experienced, to be felt, to k n o w . M y m i n d rejects any c o n c l u s i o n as being final. T h e greatest source of hope, therefore, for b o t h the p r e s e n t a n d the future, is the awareness of potential in me, in other people, in life itself. T h i s attitude is very hazardous, because it seems to suggest that it isn't i m p o r t a n t to try to do a n y t h i n g a b o u t anything, that the process is all. I do n o t m e a n to suggest that I believe h u m a n choice is n o t possible. W i t h i n the context of m y affirmation of life, a m p l e p r o v i s i o n is m a d e for h u m a n freedom. Freedom is n o t possible if life is fixed, predetermined, static. Basic to the idea of the aliveness of life is the n o t i o n that life is dynamic. Either it is possible to alter conditions, or it is impossible. If life is fixed, static, determined, then there is n o t h i n g that can be d o n e a b o u t anything. H u m a n choice in such a context is delusion. W h a t I a m saying is that life, because it is alive, is dynamic, open-ended, a n d h u m a n choice is part of reality. For I believe that there is always s o m e t h i n g that can be d o n e a b o u t a n y t h i n g . W h a t can be d o n e m a y n o t alter the situation, b u t the individual m a y relate to unalterable situations w i t h i n the context of his o w n choosing. In other words, I a m saying that a m a n need n o t ever be c o m p l e t e l y a n d utterly a victim of his circumstances despite the fact, to be repetitive, that he m a y n o t be able to c h a n g e the circumstance. T h e clue is in the fact that a m a n can give his assent to his circumstances or he can w i t h h o l d it, a n d there are a desert a n d a sea between the two. Therefore, I believe in h u m a n freedom. W h a t is h u m a n freedom? It is twofold. O n the one hand, it is the ability to act in the present so as to
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influence, if n o t determine, the future. It is very sobering to realize that in rather crucial ways a m a n paves the h i g h w a y clown w h i c h he m u s t w a l k in the years ahead; for h u m a n choice at a n y given m o m e n t becomes a critical d e t e r m i n a n t of w h a t will be one's s i t u a t i o n in the future. A m a n need n o t ever be the prisoner of the event. A n o t h e r w a y of saying this is: I a m w h a t I am today by s t a n d i n g o n the shoulders of a n infinite series of yesterdays. But there is still a n o t h e r more searching i n t i m a c y in the m e a n i n g of freedom as I have discovered it. In a n y given s i t u a t i o n faced by the individual, he m a y exercise a sense of alternative. Often in m y life I have confused a sense of alternative w i t h the realization of the a l t e m a t i v e - - a sense of o p t i o n with the o p t i n g of the option. W h e n I said earlier that there is always s o m e t h i n g that c a n b e d o n e a b o u t a n y t h i n g , this, in part, is w h a t I h a d in mind. As l o n g as a m a n keeps alive i n himself a sense of alternative, he need not s u c c u m b to the pressure of the event. T h i s q u a l i t y a n d potential in h u m a n life are the nemesis of all tyrannies. I return to m y earlier statement: I believe in myself. T h i s is g r o u n d e d in m y belief in life, W h a t I affirm for myself I affirm for other men. My relationship, then, w i t h other m e n m u s t be built u p o n this m u t u a l s h a r i n g of worth. T h e d o m i n a n t characteristic of the r e l a t i o n s h i p m a y be summarized in the term "love." I affirm love n o t as a s e n t i m e n t merely or an emotion, but as the truest a n d most dependable tie that binds me to m y fellows a n d t h e m to me. I have discovered that where love is operative between me a n d a n o t h e r h u m a n being, I will do for or in r e l a t i o n to h i m w h a t n o power in heaven, hell, or on earth can m a k e me do if I do n o t love. T o p u t m y m e a n i n g in the simplest terms: to love myself is to h o n o r s o m e t h i n g in me. that is b e y o n d a n y feeling that I m a y have of m y w o r t h or worthlessness. It has to do w i t h m y being, rather t h a n a n y k i n d of action that m a y be characteristic of me. W h e n I a m conscious of b e i n g loved, it means that it seems to me that the person w h o loves me is addressing that w h i c h is in me, beyond a n y feeling or r e c o g n i t i o n of merit or demerit. T o state it more cogently is to say that the experience of love is to have m y o w n sense of self confirmed a n d affirmed by a n o t h e r h u m a n being. T h i s is w h a t h a p p e n s to me w h e n I love s o m e o n e else. H a t e is a denial of the
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integrity of this kind of relatedness. W i t h such confirmation of myself, there is n o t h i n g in life that c a n n o t be endured, because the most threatening aspect of life, n a m e l y isolation, is absorbed. O n c e confirmed, I a m never q u i t e myself only, an isolate. I believe in the reality of religious experience. T h e g r o u n d of m y experience is n o t to be f o u n d in a n y a r g u m e n t derived from the observation and c o n t e m p l a t i o n of nature, or from the participation, as such, in religious exercises or ceremonies, i m p o r t a n t as these m a y be; b u t rather it is f o u n d in m y awareness of total well b e i n g held in place by a sure sense of Presence. T o me this is the very essence of creative spiritual encounter. T h i s is the very heart of prayer. In this I believe. By prayer I do n o t m e a n petition, p l e a d i n g or i n v o k i n g a P o w e r that will alter events or circumstances in m y behalf. Such represent the natural cry of the h u m a n spirit as it is c a u g h t in the a g o n i z i n g g r a p p l e of u n y i e l d i n g circumstance. No. I d o not m e a n a n y of this, n o t w i t h s t a n d i n g the r e c o g n i t i o n of the part that such activity plays in prayer. W h a t I m e a n here is that the highest m o m e n t of reality of w h i c h I a m c a p a b l e is for me manifest when, in the s u p r e m e act of w o r s h i p f u l celebration, I feel myself to be in the presence of God, stripped to the literal substance of m y being. Here the deepest t h i n g in me seems to be r e s p o n d i n g actively to the deepest t h i n g in existence. It is here, at such a m o m e n t , that it becomes clear to m e w h a t it is that u l t i m a t e l y I a m o u n t to. I a m confirmed a n d gathered w i t h i n myself b e y o n d all merit and demerit. I a m n o longer an isolate, a l o n e i n the vastness of the universe or the c h u r n i n g activity of the w o r l d of men, affairs, a n d things. W h a t I experience n o w I a m c o m m i t t e d to seek in the widest or m o s t intimate ranges of my experience. T h i s becomes the u l t i m a t e i m m u n i t y against the deepest fears that I m a y have of life, of events, of persons, or of death itself.
