I said
goodbye
to my
baby
Mary Jones decided to have her baby daughter adopted. In this article she describes her feelings the
and reflects on the rightness or wrongness of her decision in relation to her
at
parting
baby's
future life.
I would like to make one point clear to start with. An unmarried mother does not necessarily relinquish her baby because it is the easiest way out of a difficult situation, or because she feels a baby would be a nuisance in her life, but because she genuinely feels that adoption is in the baby's interest. And naturally, the baby's future life is the most important factor to be considered. I have spoken to people who feel that an unmarried mother has, through her own actions, proved herself to be irresponsible or not the 'right sort' of person to bring up a child. On the other hand, can others love a baby as deeply as the real mother? She has perhaps faced nine months of insults and rejection to have her baby. At the moment of seeing the baby for the first time she experiences such a feeling of love, protectiveness and a longing for the baby's well-being that she cannot believe that anyone in the world can give the baby what she can, in terms of affection and love at
background, features, colouring and so forth are assessed. Then, from all requests for babies, a couple which roughly fits into this pattern is chosen. Or perhaps it is vice-versa?the baby is chosen to fit the parents. But, naturally, I prefer to think of parents being chosen for my baby. I was allowed to choose the religion I would want my baby brought up in, but this is the only factor in choosing parents in which the mother has any say. My baby had been staying with a foster mother from the time we left the hospital, as I had nowhere for us
least.
Responsibility was mine The decision to part with my baby girl was the most difficult one I have ever had to make. It took months of
myself at night, soul-searching and much until I arrived at my decision. Of course, welfare workers, almoners and the adoption society made every effort to help, to advise and so on, but the ultimate responsibility was mine and mine alone. If only babies could speak?would she prefer perhaps a difficult childhood with her real mother, or a secure upbringing, a good home and then the day when she is told that she is adopted? Of course, nowadays, she is told that she was 'chosen' specially, but will she be content with that? Will she be leading such a happy contented life that it will not matter to her, or will she be upset, hurt or want to find her real mother? I think this is the crux of the matter. If one could see into the future and assess the child's reaction to this revelation, then one could make the decision accordtalking
to
heartache,
ingly. But,
of course, one can't. actual adoption is, of necessity, a lengthy operation. The mother's background, the grandparent's
The
Drawing Drawing by by Anthony Anthony Kinsey Kinsey 15
Separation
and
adoption
to go. In this regard, others are perhaps luckier, but I had no family support and, indeed, I had to find a room just for myself immediately I left the hospital. I also had to find a job. My savings had dwindled rapidly, from buying baby clothes and so on and from being out of work for a couple of months and now I had to pay the foster mother ?4 per week (my maternity benefit came to ?4 a week).
Tiny, defenceless bundle When my baby was six weeks old, I had to take her to the adoption society. She was a tiny defenceless bundle when I collected her from her foster mother. All her clothes and belongings were in a package and on the way I was even then tempted not to go, but to keep her myself. When I arrived, I gave her to the member of the staff who was dealing with my case and I felt heartbroken as I did this, for she started to cry. She could not have known, of course?perhaps she was hot, or annoyed at being disturbed. But if only she hadn't cried! She was given to her new parents in another room. They all left shortly afterwards. I stayed with the welfare worker for about ten minutes until they had gone?I never saw them and they never saw
me.
the next three months the new parents are to change their minds about the baby (although this rarely happens) or the mother can claim her baby back. But this action would hardly be fair to any of the lives concerned and the real decision has already been made at the six-week stage.
During
allowed
Heard in
public
At the end of this three months, court orders are sent to both parties. These documents must be signed in the presence of a magistrate or a commissioner for oaths. I was foolish enough to go to a county court, an action I would not advise others similarly placed to follow. My application was heard in public along with all the petty crimes the court deals with. Although perhaps everything has been said and done at this stage and signing a piece of paper is merely a formality, there still remains the feeling that at this moment one is irrevocably signing away one's own flesh and blood and I would have preferred to do this in private. Indeed I was crying so much I could hardly see the paper. The magistrate then countersigned the order and I was allowed to leave. It was all over. Throughout the whole episode, I cannot praise the welfare workers, the hospital staff and the adoption society too highly. They never condemned and were only too anxious to help both me and my child. But even now as I write this, I cannot help wondering, was my decision the right one? How I regret any heartache I may have caused my daughter.
goodbye
to my
baby
Mary Jones decided to have her baby daughter adopted. In this article she describes her feelings the
and reflects on the rightness or wrongness of her decision in relation to her
at
parting
baby's
future life.
I would like to make one point clear to start with. An unmarried mother does not necessarily relinquish her baby because it is the easiest way out of a difficult situation, or because she feels a baby would be a nuisance in her life, but because she genuinely feels that adoption is in the baby's interest. And naturally, the baby's future life is the most important factor to be considered. I have spoken to people who feel that an unmarried mother has, through her own actions, proved herself to be irresponsible or not the 'right sort' of person to bring up a child. On the other hand, can others love a baby as deeply as the real mother? She has perhaps faced nine months of insults and rejection to have her baby. At the moment of seeing the baby for the first time she experiences such a feeling of love, protectiveness and a longing for the baby's well-being that she cannot believe that anyone in the world can give the baby what she can, in terms of affection and love at
background, features, colouring and so forth are assessed. Then, from all requests for babies, a couple which roughly fits into this pattern is chosen. Or perhaps it is vice-versa?the baby is chosen to fit the parents. But, naturally, I prefer to think of parents being chosen for my baby. I was allowed to choose the religion I would want my baby brought up in, but this is the only factor in choosing parents in which the mother has any say. My baby had been staying with a foster mother from the time we left the hospital, as I had nowhere for us
least.
Responsibility was mine The decision to part with my baby girl was the most difficult one I have ever had to make. It took months of
myself at night, soul-searching and much until I arrived at my decision. Of course, welfare workers, almoners and the adoption society made every effort to help, to advise and so on, but the ultimate responsibility was mine and mine alone. If only babies could speak?would she prefer perhaps a difficult childhood with her real mother, or a secure upbringing, a good home and then the day when she is told that she is adopted? Of course, nowadays, she is told that she was 'chosen' specially, but will she be content with that? Will she be leading such a happy contented life that it will not matter to her, or will she be upset, hurt or want to find her real mother? I think this is the crux of the matter. If one could see into the future and assess the child's reaction to this revelation, then one could make the decision accordtalking
to
heartache,
ingly. But,
of course, one can't. actual adoption is, of necessity, a lengthy operation. The mother's background, the grandparent's
The
Drawing Drawing by by Anthony Anthony Kinsey Kinsey 15
Separation
and
adoption
to go. In this regard, others are perhaps luckier, but I had no family support and, indeed, I had to find a room just for myself immediately I left the hospital. I also had to find a job. My savings had dwindled rapidly, from buying baby clothes and so on and from being out of work for a couple of months and now I had to pay the foster mother ?4 per week (my maternity benefit came to ?4 a week).
Tiny, defenceless bundle When my baby was six weeks old, I had to take her to the adoption society. She was a tiny defenceless bundle when I collected her from her foster mother. All her clothes and belongings were in a package and on the way I was even then tempted not to go, but to keep her myself. When I arrived, I gave her to the member of the staff who was dealing with my case and I felt heartbroken as I did this, for she started to cry. She could not have known, of course?perhaps she was hot, or annoyed at being disturbed. But if only she hadn't cried! She was given to her new parents in another room. They all left shortly afterwards. I stayed with the welfare worker for about ten minutes until they had gone?I never saw them and they never saw
me.
the next three months the new parents are to change their minds about the baby (although this rarely happens) or the mother can claim her baby back. But this action would hardly be fair to any of the lives concerned and the real decision has already been made at the six-week stage.
During
allowed
Heard in
public
At the end of this three months, court orders are sent to both parties. These documents must be signed in the presence of a magistrate or a commissioner for oaths. I was foolish enough to go to a county court, an action I would not advise others similarly placed to follow. My application was heard in public along with all the petty crimes the court deals with. Although perhaps everything has been said and done at this stage and signing a piece of paper is merely a formality, there still remains the feeling that at this moment one is irrevocably signing away one's own flesh and blood and I would have preferred to do this in private. Indeed I was crying so much I could hardly see the paper. The magistrate then countersigned the order and I was allowed to leave. It was all over. Throughout the whole episode, I cannot praise the welfare workers, the hospital staff and the adoption society too highly. They never condemned and were only too anxious to help both me and my child. But even now as I write this, I cannot help wondering, was my decision the right one? How I regret any heartache I may have caused my daughter.
