Journal of Lesbian Studies
ISSN: 1089-4160 (Print) 1540-3548 (Online) Journal homepage: http://www.tandfonline.com/loi/wjls20
Consummated Friends and Ex-Wives Tabitha Eden BA To cite this article: Tabitha Eden BA (2004) Consummated Friends and Ex-Wives, Journal of Lesbian Studies, 8:3-4, 159-164, DOI: 10.1300/J155v08n03_27 To link to this article: http://dx.doi.org/10.1300/J155v08n03_27
Published online: 05 Oct 2008.
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THEORETICAL REFLECTIONS
Consummated Friends and Ex-Wives: Two Types of Lesbian Ex-Lovers Tabitha Eden
SUMMARY. This article focuses on the different roles of lesbian exlovers in the writer’s life. She divides her exes into two categories: consummated friends and ex-wives. The determining factor is whether or not the lovers lived together as a committed couple. Consummated friends are no exception to her belief that every relationship has significance, and this article shares how even relatively brief affairs expand concepts about sex, relationships, and self. Although many lesbians Tabitha Eden was born in 1973. She acquired a BA in English with an emphasis on creative writing from Brenau Women’s College. Now a full-time document management coordinator in the regulatory division of a pharmaceutical company, she is dancing along life’s path toward a more fulfilling career. She currently lives in the Atlanta, GA, area. The author can be contacted at: 2724 Arbor Drive, Duluth, GA 30096 (E-mail: [email protected]). [Haworth co-indexing entry note]: “Consummated Friends and Ex-Wives: Two Types of Lesbian ExLovers.” Eden, Tabitha. Co-published simultaneously in Journal of Lesbian Studies (Harrington Park Press, an imprint of The Haworth Press, Inc.) Vol. 8, No. 3/4, 2004, pp. 159-164; and: Lesbian Ex-Lovers: The Really Long-Term Relationships (ed: Jacqueline S. Weinstock, and Esther D. Rothblum) Harrington Park Press, an imprint of The Haworth Press, Inc., 2004, pp. 159-164. Single or multiple copies of this article are available for a fee from The Haworth Document Delivery Service [1-800-HAWORTH, 9:00 a.m. - 5:00 p.m. (EST). E-mail address: [email protected]].
http://www.haworthpress.com/web/JLS 2004 by The Haworth Press, Inc. All rights reserved. Digital Object Identifier: 10.1300/J155v08n03_27
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keep ex-wives in their intimate circles, she resists this practice. Consummated friends, however, continue to be an active part of her life. This article reveals the personal how’s and why’s regarding one woman’s choices in connection (and disconnection) with her exes. [Article copies available for a fee from The Haworth Document Delivery Service: 1-800-HAWORTH. E-mail address: Website: © 2004 by The Haworth Press, Inc. All rights reserved.]
KEYWORDS. Consummated friends, lesbian ex-wives, ex-lover, lesbian
Lesbian love stories of my life can be divided into two categories: consummated friends and ex-wives. I believe that a former lover’s continued role in my life is dependent upon the category into which she falls. “Consummated friends” is a term I apply for women with whom I share a friendship prior to and after a sexual relationship. My consummated friends (there are only a couple, honestly) and I happen to share anything between three days and nights of lovemaking one week in college to dating six months. Ex-wives, on the other hand, are women with whom I have lived as a committed couple. I have one ex-wife; she and I shared eight years of married life. Although many lesbians keep exwives in their intimate circles, I decided against this practice. 1 My ex-wife Danielle divorced me on a Thursday in May 2001, after Renee, our pastor of the Metropolitan Community Church in Athens, Georgia, was divorced by her wife of eleven years a few days earlier (that prior Monday to be exact). (By the way, Renee’s wife Cindy divorced her for the former church treasurer. I’ve discovered churches and bars are not so different, except one serves wine in smaller glasses.) Hearing two years of withheld negative feelings about our marriage in addition to two years of unexpressed infatuation for Renee destroyed trust. I learned that Danielle has been more jealous of who I am than she has been in love with me. What? I felt shock, confusion. As she sat in the living room outside the guest bedroom into which I had moved, I heard her having phone sex with Renee less than a week after our breakup. She left the e-mails from Renee, sent before our breakup, on the dining room table; one included a list of reasons that Renee loves her: “the shape of your hands and how they make me feel . . .” First love dies slowly. Although Renee frequently communicates with her exes, she forbade Danielle to see me more than a couple hours in a public place every
Downloaded by [York University Libraries] at 23:10 05 November 2015
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month or so, and Danielle complied with her wishes “to keep the peace at home.” In December 2002, I sat at an Outback restaurant in her hometown and waited. I felt nervous, almost as if I had knowingly put myself in a dangerous situation. Still, I missed her sometimes, so I chose to see her for the first time in four months. Though I missed her companionship, I realized we were no longer companions. Possibly, I missed the unscathed, fearlessly loving person I had experienced myself to be with her as much as I missed her. In January, I recognized that a friendship with her was unsatisfying to me and that I was allowing myself to settle for the scraps of her affection. I decided to no longer settle for relationships with people who do not offer similar effort and emotion levels, whether those relationships are friendships or primary partnerships. Danielle and I outgrew our relationship. We had great fun together, and although I considered that factor enough for me, after eight years, we were not growing individually as much as either of us needed to be. She decided that our primary relationship did not give her a satisfactory experience of marriage. Once I realized that I had outgrown our attempt at friendship, I decided that I must release the need for our relationship and relinquish its priority in my life in order for me to evolve more thoroughly in the present. Our relationship significantly taught me about life, about love, and ultimately about myself. We completed our purposes in each other’s lives. I think that many lesbians continue to include their ex-wives in their intimate circles because we often marry our best friends. To cease contact is to lose much more than a cherished friend. To sever association not only denies oneself current evidence that the relationship possessed significance beyond its romantic facets but also leaves behind a part of oneself, a reminder of the person we were in that stage of our lives. Like photos in a scrapbook, the people who have been in our lives for years reflect and remind us of our journeys. Due to the betrayal and dishonesty surrounding my divorce and the unfulfilling contact thereafter, I decided not to attempt to perpetuate the past. A year and a half after our divorce, I became certain that our interactions evoked more negative than positive emotions within me. I acknowledged my growing discomfort with efforts to travel emotionally backward and to be merely friends with Danielle, and I told her that I had decided to discontinue our already infrequent contact. Consummated friends and I can give and receive loving friendship without the feelings of decreased intimacy. Making love with them rep-
Downloaded by [York University Libraries] at 23:10 05 November 2015
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resented an exchange of affection for which no other activity sufficed at the moment. Candace and I met during my junior year of college. She was loud and funny, and I was fairly quiet in public then. At a women’s college with approximately five hundred students, we were two of the fewer than a dozen out lesbians living on campus. A few years older than I, she was attaining a second bachelor’s degree. Many nights of sharing personal histories and analyzing everything from feminism and Indigo Girls’ lyrics to the sexuality of other students ensued. During one such engaging evening, she reached for my hand; a couple massages and a few hours later, we consummated our friendship. Afterward, I felt surprised by my uncharacteristic impetuosity and worried that we may be dating now. (I was reared with extremely conservative ideas and taught not to have premarital sex; I naively had planned to spend the rest of my life as the partner to my first lover and never to hold another. Life’s tweaking one’s plans is a beautiful thing.) I asked Candace, “What are we going to do?” She answered, “First of all, there is no ‘we.’” I felt relief. We were (and remain) great friends, but being a couple, as they say, could ruin our friendship. Gratefully, consummation enhanced our friendship, so we consummated it a few more times that week. Making love with Candace not only felt good and perfectly natural for both of us, but also served as the stimulus for a less restrictive outlook on sex for me. Physical intimacy no longer had to be reserved for a long-term, primary relationship. Our spontaneous lovemaking enlightened me: sex did not necessitate a mutual promise to commit to a primary partnership with each other forever. Still, consummating our friendship served a purpose and brought us closer. Diane and I became friends before Danielle and I divorced. Regardless of her being sixteen years older, I always sensed an indescribable connection between us. When we met, we were both involved in serious relationships, and the two couples hung out together periodically. A few years after we met, her partner of eight years left their relationship to pursue one with a man. Diane was distressed, and I was one of the friends with whom she disclosed her heartbreak. Years later, sensing that she was one of the few people I knew who could truly empathize, I sent her an e-mail telling her that Danielle had decided to leave me to pursue a relationship with Renee. On a Friday a couple months after my divorce, my work phone rang. Diane called and asked about my evening plans, which were to soak in the tub, drink merlot, and relax. She asked if I would like to meet her for
Downloaded by [York University Libraries] at 23:10 05 November 2015
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Chinese and, without a second thought, I accepted. We talked for hours. Being with her comforted me. She had endured a similar situation and was doing well. I told her how I had been trying to stay focused on the positives of the situation like the chance to create a new life. What I did not tell her was that I felt fear about entering the dating scene and hesitant about being sexually intimate with someone other than my ex. Although I was open but not committed to the idea of being physically intimate with Diane, I chose to be passive about the first move. I wanted to be an object of desire; I craved seduction. One evening as we were watching TV, she suavely moved close to me, and the consummation of our friendship commenced. I felt ecstatic. Diane gave my sexuality back to me; when I needed a lover whom I already trusted, she was there. Also, due to our relationship, she resumed sleeping in her master bedroom for the first time since her ex left. For the next six months, we dated, laughed, made love, and talked about our individual goals and the future together. Concerns arose. I thought that maybe I had leapt into a relationship too quickly, and I worried that I had surrendered emotional control again. I questioned if I should commit to another relationship in which I would be the more dependent partner. Basically, I was scared of being hurt again. Although she never verbalized it, Diane probably grew frustrated by my twentysomething conflicts that she had already resolved. Even though we still loved each other, we mutually decided to quit dating. Both crying, we knew it was the best decision. A few months later, we met for dinner, and gratefully, the evening went well. Our romantic involvement did not damage our friendship; rather it consummated it. We supported each other through difficult transitions in both our lives. Making love celebrated our connection. Now, I am loving sweet, sexy Mel, and she loves me unlike anyone else ever has. We are at similar life stages and can support each other’s individual developments as well as form a passionate couple; she happens to get along well with Candace and Diane too. Candace and I haven’t been physically intimate with each other in years, but we enjoy each other’s company and friendship. In fact, we and our girlfriends recently shared a mountain cabin for the weekend. Diane and I maintain contact and foster a supportive friendship as well. Two assertive people at our respective stages in life find consummated friendship with each other more compatible than a primary relationship. Last month, Mel and I celebrated Diane’s current girlfriend’s birthday with them.
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Candace and Diane form intimate friendships with me in the present, and we also remain positive mementos of each other’s former selves. The purpose of my relationships with them may not have been partnership; nonetheless, they are meaningful parts of my past and present. An amiable love flows between us without the dynamics of partnership. These women and I share history that is more than platonic and less than marital. We are consummated friends. NOTE 1. Pseudonyms are used within this article.
ISSN: 1089-4160 (Print) 1540-3548 (Online) Journal homepage: http://www.tandfonline.com/loi/wjls20
Consummated Friends and Ex-Wives Tabitha Eden BA To cite this article: Tabitha Eden BA (2004) Consummated Friends and Ex-Wives, Journal of Lesbian Studies, 8:3-4, 159-164, DOI: 10.1300/J155v08n03_27 To link to this article: http://dx.doi.org/10.1300/J155v08n03_27
Published online: 05 Oct 2008.
Submit your article to this journal
Article views: 29
View related articles
Full Terms & Conditions of access and use can be found at http://www.tandfonline.com/action/journalInformation?journalCode=wjls20 Download by: [York University Libraries]
Date: 05 November 2015, At: 23:10
Downloaded by [York University Libraries] at 23:10 05 November 2015
THEORETICAL REFLECTIONS
Consummated Friends and Ex-Wives: Two Types of Lesbian Ex-Lovers Tabitha Eden
SUMMARY. This article focuses on the different roles of lesbian exlovers in the writer’s life. She divides her exes into two categories: consummated friends and ex-wives. The determining factor is whether or not the lovers lived together as a committed couple. Consummated friends are no exception to her belief that every relationship has significance, and this article shares how even relatively brief affairs expand concepts about sex, relationships, and self. Although many lesbians Tabitha Eden was born in 1973. She acquired a BA in English with an emphasis on creative writing from Brenau Women’s College. Now a full-time document management coordinator in the regulatory division of a pharmaceutical company, she is dancing along life’s path toward a more fulfilling career. She currently lives in the Atlanta, GA, area. The author can be contacted at: 2724 Arbor Drive, Duluth, GA 30096 (E-mail: [email protected]). [Haworth co-indexing entry note]: “Consummated Friends and Ex-Wives: Two Types of Lesbian ExLovers.” Eden, Tabitha. Co-published simultaneously in Journal of Lesbian Studies (Harrington Park Press, an imprint of The Haworth Press, Inc.) Vol. 8, No. 3/4, 2004, pp. 159-164; and: Lesbian Ex-Lovers: The Really Long-Term Relationships (ed: Jacqueline S. Weinstock, and Esther D. Rothblum) Harrington Park Press, an imprint of The Haworth Press, Inc., 2004, pp. 159-164. Single or multiple copies of this article are available for a fee from The Haworth Document Delivery Service [1-800-HAWORTH, 9:00 a.m. - 5:00 p.m. (EST). E-mail address: [email protected]].
http://www.haworthpress.com/web/JLS 2004 by The Haworth Press, Inc. All rights reserved. Digital Object Identifier: 10.1300/J155v08n03_27
159
Downloaded by [York University Libraries] at 23:10 05 November 2015
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keep ex-wives in their intimate circles, she resists this practice. Consummated friends, however, continue to be an active part of her life. This article reveals the personal how’s and why’s regarding one woman’s choices in connection (and disconnection) with her exes. [Article copies available for a fee from The Haworth Document Delivery Service: 1-800-HAWORTH. E-mail address: Website: © 2004 by The Haworth Press, Inc. All rights reserved.]
KEYWORDS. Consummated friends, lesbian ex-wives, ex-lover, lesbian
Lesbian love stories of my life can be divided into two categories: consummated friends and ex-wives. I believe that a former lover’s continued role in my life is dependent upon the category into which she falls. “Consummated friends” is a term I apply for women with whom I share a friendship prior to and after a sexual relationship. My consummated friends (there are only a couple, honestly) and I happen to share anything between three days and nights of lovemaking one week in college to dating six months. Ex-wives, on the other hand, are women with whom I have lived as a committed couple. I have one ex-wife; she and I shared eight years of married life. Although many lesbians keep exwives in their intimate circles, I decided against this practice. 1 My ex-wife Danielle divorced me on a Thursday in May 2001, after Renee, our pastor of the Metropolitan Community Church in Athens, Georgia, was divorced by her wife of eleven years a few days earlier (that prior Monday to be exact). (By the way, Renee’s wife Cindy divorced her for the former church treasurer. I’ve discovered churches and bars are not so different, except one serves wine in smaller glasses.) Hearing two years of withheld negative feelings about our marriage in addition to two years of unexpressed infatuation for Renee destroyed trust. I learned that Danielle has been more jealous of who I am than she has been in love with me. What? I felt shock, confusion. As she sat in the living room outside the guest bedroom into which I had moved, I heard her having phone sex with Renee less than a week after our breakup. She left the e-mails from Renee, sent before our breakup, on the dining room table; one included a list of reasons that Renee loves her: “the shape of your hands and how they make me feel . . .” First love dies slowly. Although Renee frequently communicates with her exes, she forbade Danielle to see me more than a couple hours in a public place every
Downloaded by [York University Libraries] at 23:10 05 November 2015
Tabitha Eden
161
month or so, and Danielle complied with her wishes “to keep the peace at home.” In December 2002, I sat at an Outback restaurant in her hometown and waited. I felt nervous, almost as if I had knowingly put myself in a dangerous situation. Still, I missed her sometimes, so I chose to see her for the first time in four months. Though I missed her companionship, I realized we were no longer companions. Possibly, I missed the unscathed, fearlessly loving person I had experienced myself to be with her as much as I missed her. In January, I recognized that a friendship with her was unsatisfying to me and that I was allowing myself to settle for the scraps of her affection. I decided to no longer settle for relationships with people who do not offer similar effort and emotion levels, whether those relationships are friendships or primary partnerships. Danielle and I outgrew our relationship. We had great fun together, and although I considered that factor enough for me, after eight years, we were not growing individually as much as either of us needed to be. She decided that our primary relationship did not give her a satisfactory experience of marriage. Once I realized that I had outgrown our attempt at friendship, I decided that I must release the need for our relationship and relinquish its priority in my life in order for me to evolve more thoroughly in the present. Our relationship significantly taught me about life, about love, and ultimately about myself. We completed our purposes in each other’s lives. I think that many lesbians continue to include their ex-wives in their intimate circles because we often marry our best friends. To cease contact is to lose much more than a cherished friend. To sever association not only denies oneself current evidence that the relationship possessed significance beyond its romantic facets but also leaves behind a part of oneself, a reminder of the person we were in that stage of our lives. Like photos in a scrapbook, the people who have been in our lives for years reflect and remind us of our journeys. Due to the betrayal and dishonesty surrounding my divorce and the unfulfilling contact thereafter, I decided not to attempt to perpetuate the past. A year and a half after our divorce, I became certain that our interactions evoked more negative than positive emotions within me. I acknowledged my growing discomfort with efforts to travel emotionally backward and to be merely friends with Danielle, and I told her that I had decided to discontinue our already infrequent contact. Consummated friends and I can give and receive loving friendship without the feelings of decreased intimacy. Making love with them rep-
Downloaded by [York University Libraries] at 23:10 05 November 2015
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LESBIAN EX-LOVERS: THE REALLY LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS
resented an exchange of affection for which no other activity sufficed at the moment. Candace and I met during my junior year of college. She was loud and funny, and I was fairly quiet in public then. At a women’s college with approximately five hundred students, we were two of the fewer than a dozen out lesbians living on campus. A few years older than I, she was attaining a second bachelor’s degree. Many nights of sharing personal histories and analyzing everything from feminism and Indigo Girls’ lyrics to the sexuality of other students ensued. During one such engaging evening, she reached for my hand; a couple massages and a few hours later, we consummated our friendship. Afterward, I felt surprised by my uncharacteristic impetuosity and worried that we may be dating now. (I was reared with extremely conservative ideas and taught not to have premarital sex; I naively had planned to spend the rest of my life as the partner to my first lover and never to hold another. Life’s tweaking one’s plans is a beautiful thing.) I asked Candace, “What are we going to do?” She answered, “First of all, there is no ‘we.’” I felt relief. We were (and remain) great friends, but being a couple, as they say, could ruin our friendship. Gratefully, consummation enhanced our friendship, so we consummated it a few more times that week. Making love with Candace not only felt good and perfectly natural for both of us, but also served as the stimulus for a less restrictive outlook on sex for me. Physical intimacy no longer had to be reserved for a long-term, primary relationship. Our spontaneous lovemaking enlightened me: sex did not necessitate a mutual promise to commit to a primary partnership with each other forever. Still, consummating our friendship served a purpose and brought us closer. Diane and I became friends before Danielle and I divorced. Regardless of her being sixteen years older, I always sensed an indescribable connection between us. When we met, we were both involved in serious relationships, and the two couples hung out together periodically. A few years after we met, her partner of eight years left their relationship to pursue one with a man. Diane was distressed, and I was one of the friends with whom she disclosed her heartbreak. Years later, sensing that she was one of the few people I knew who could truly empathize, I sent her an e-mail telling her that Danielle had decided to leave me to pursue a relationship with Renee. On a Friday a couple months after my divorce, my work phone rang. Diane called and asked about my evening plans, which were to soak in the tub, drink merlot, and relax. She asked if I would like to meet her for
Downloaded by [York University Libraries] at 23:10 05 November 2015
Tabitha Eden
163
Chinese and, without a second thought, I accepted. We talked for hours. Being with her comforted me. She had endured a similar situation and was doing well. I told her how I had been trying to stay focused on the positives of the situation like the chance to create a new life. What I did not tell her was that I felt fear about entering the dating scene and hesitant about being sexually intimate with someone other than my ex. Although I was open but not committed to the idea of being physically intimate with Diane, I chose to be passive about the first move. I wanted to be an object of desire; I craved seduction. One evening as we were watching TV, she suavely moved close to me, and the consummation of our friendship commenced. I felt ecstatic. Diane gave my sexuality back to me; when I needed a lover whom I already trusted, she was there. Also, due to our relationship, she resumed sleeping in her master bedroom for the first time since her ex left. For the next six months, we dated, laughed, made love, and talked about our individual goals and the future together. Concerns arose. I thought that maybe I had leapt into a relationship too quickly, and I worried that I had surrendered emotional control again. I questioned if I should commit to another relationship in which I would be the more dependent partner. Basically, I was scared of being hurt again. Although she never verbalized it, Diane probably grew frustrated by my twentysomething conflicts that she had already resolved. Even though we still loved each other, we mutually decided to quit dating. Both crying, we knew it was the best decision. A few months later, we met for dinner, and gratefully, the evening went well. Our romantic involvement did not damage our friendship; rather it consummated it. We supported each other through difficult transitions in both our lives. Making love celebrated our connection. Now, I am loving sweet, sexy Mel, and she loves me unlike anyone else ever has. We are at similar life stages and can support each other’s individual developments as well as form a passionate couple; she happens to get along well with Candace and Diane too. Candace and I haven’t been physically intimate with each other in years, but we enjoy each other’s company and friendship. In fact, we and our girlfriends recently shared a mountain cabin for the weekend. Diane and I maintain contact and foster a supportive friendship as well. Two assertive people at our respective stages in life find consummated friendship with each other more compatible than a primary relationship. Last month, Mel and I celebrated Diane’s current girlfriend’s birthday with them.
Downloaded by [York University Libraries] at 23:10 05 November 2015
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Candace and Diane form intimate friendships with me in the present, and we also remain positive mementos of each other’s former selves. The purpose of my relationships with them may not have been partnership; nonetheless, they are meaningful parts of my past and present. An amiable love flows between us without the dynamics of partnership. These women and I share history that is more than platonic and less than marital. We are consummated friends. NOTE 1. Pseudonyms are used within this article.
